Thursday, 1 December 2016

Letters to Winter - 2016

Dear Winter,

Hello again. Well, let's call this a premature hello. A call to the future from a girl who's feet are confined to Autumn. Your arrival isn't very far away, but you've always been my favourite season, and seeing as time will be slipping through my fingers when we meet, the clock hands missing my awaiting palms ready to catch, consider this an echo from the past. An opportunity to check in. 

Sometimes I wonder how to personify you. Who would you be, Winter? Would you be male or female? What would you drink? What would you think of Brexit? How would you feel about Christmas? Would you be proud to have the festivities within your realms, or begrudging of the burden, envying Autumn for their possession of two simple yet beautiful days - Halloween and Bonfire Night? In some ways, I see you as bitter, and cold, but deep down bearing a heart of chocolate, warmth, and love for all of those who enter your territory. Perhaps your bitterness is more aimed at those in the Southern Hemisphere, where your harsh winds and numbing spells of snow are never endured. What must it be like to have a hot winter?

These are the kinds of things I think about. I think about why we find stars so beautiful even if we know they are really spheres of fire that have the capacity to explode. I wonder about how it must feel to be twins and know that one of you wasn't intended. I question what I'd do if somebody handed me the Earth and placed it into my arms? Would I twirl it with care, exploring every crevice and admiring my insignificance on that vast globe, or would I let go, allowing it to smash into a million pieces, ashamed of the place our planet has become?  Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person who has these questions, a little snowflake in a summery heat. But then I remember we all have these questions deep down; we're all little snowflakes in your welcomed blizzard. 

I think in the past year I've come a lot more into myself. Since starting my A Levels via independent study, I've spent more time than ever before alone. Isolation gives you plenty of time to take a good look at yourself and who you are; and maybe it's because I've been out of the environment in which I was shamed for being bookish and quiet, or maybe it's just because I'm getting older, but I don't think I've ever felt so comfortable in my body as I do now. Last year's letter to you, Winter, was riding on the back of a new experience, where feeling happy was a novelty. Now a year on, I think I'm doing okay. I'm unapologetically me, and I have friends who welcome me for that. I say all of this, and yet I'm in a swirl of changes. Personal Statements. University Applications. A dream internship at MuggleNet. A2 Exams... Perhaps I'm becoming who I'm meant to be, and if so then, whilst I have many flaws, I'm liking how this is working out. 

December will bring my 18th birthday, and finally what I've been waiting so many years for, what I've been working so hard for, is close to becoming a reality. I've been ready for adulthood for a while now, and now it's just around the corner, it's being welcomed with open arms. Once again, I'm ready for the next steps, because I feel comforted in knowing that the next steps are going to take me to the place I've craved, and the place I believe I'm meant to be. Where I've always known this year would be stressful, I don't think I realised just how stressful until October when I fell in love with my #1 university all over again, and yet still have to keep considering my options for if I don't get an offer from them. That's terrifying. It's terrifying to not know where I'll be next time I write to you. All I can say right now at least is that I hope it's somewhere good. 

Wherever I may be, I'll see you next year.

Holly x

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